In the wild, there’s a story often told about how monkeys are trapped by their own desire. A simple device—a jar with a banana inside—is all that’s needed. The monkey reaches in, grasps the banana, and finds itself trapped, unable to pull its hand out without letting go of the fruit. The trapper simply walks up and captures the monkey, which could have easily escaped if only it had released its prize. This story, while seemingly straightforward, offers a profound metaphor for the work we do as therapists, particularly in the realm of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
In the context of attachment theory, the banana represents the rigid and often unconscious patterns that our clients cling to in their relationships. These patterns—formed in the crucible of early attachment experiences—serve as their way of securing love, attention, or safety. However, much like the monkey with the banana, these patterns can become traps that hold our clients back from the true emotional freedom and intimacy they desire. They are caught in the grip of behaviors and beliefs that once served them but now keep them from evolving their emotional connections.
For many couples, the grasping comes in the form of reactive cycles: the pursuit-withdrawal dynamic, the blame-defend standoff, or the silent resentment that builds over time. These patterns are their "bananas," the things they believe they need to hold onto for survival within the relationship. Yet, these same patterns are what perpetuate their disconnection and emotional pain. They find themselves stuck, unable to pull free from the habits that prevent them from moving toward a more secure attachment with their partner.
As EFT therapists, our role is to help clients recognize the metaphorical bananas they’re holding onto—the attachment fears, unmet needs, and distorted beliefs about themselves and their partners. We guide them to see that what they’re holding onto is not leading them to safety, but rather keeping them trapped in cycles of fear and disconnection. By facilitating experiences where they can safely let go of these patterns, clients can begin to experience new ways of relating—ways that are rooted in secure attachment and emotional responsiveness.
In the end, helping our clients "drop the banana" is about enabling them to loosen their grip on the past and their entrenched fears, and to open up to new possibilities of connection. It’s about showing them that true freedom and intimacy come not from clinging to what’s familiar, but from risking vulnerability and embracing the present moment with their partner. By doing so, they can finally pull their hand from the jar, step back from the trap, and walk freely toward the loving relationships they’ve always sought.
Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:
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